


i'd go back to you - alex turcotte

by penaltbox



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: College Hockey, F/M, Hockey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:20:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22394683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penaltbox/pseuds/penaltbox
Kudos: 3





	i'd go back to you - alex turcotte

may  
—  
you set your books down on the island and look across at alex’s wide eyes. 

“you ready to finish your exams and move on?” you ask, a little smile on your face as you try not to laugh. 

he looks terrified honestly, but you know he’s just overwhelmed. of course you know. you practically always knew how he was feeling; you could read him like an open book. it was one of the reasons he always showed up at your bedroom door when something went wrong in his life. 

“how long is this gonna take?” he swallows hard, looking at his half-ass notes that were scattered amongst your well-written, highlighted, and bullet-pointed ones. 

you laugh and shake your head, “we’ll see how long it takes you to understand stuff and go from there. don’t look so scared, turcotte. college is ten times harder.”

the look he gives you is priceless and you wish you could freeze him in that moment. he looks innocent and... like he needs you. you’re not sure how much longer that’ll be true and it scares you. you’d both come to rely on each other a lot in the last two years and you didn’t want to lose your best friend when everything changed. 

“can’t you just come to college with me?” he asks softly, flipping open his anatomy book as he chews on his bottom lip. 

your heart does a little flip and you’re ready to deflect, a soft “alex...” slipping out of your mouth.   
he didn’t know where you were going yet. hell, you were barely sure of your decision. but the acceptance letter was mailed and so was your deposit for the dorm. alex just didn’t know where yet. you weren’t sure when you were going to tell him either. 

you change his focus and start going over different things, running over your notes with him and which sections of the book they coincided with. he was picking it up quickly until cole came in the house, interrupting your progress. 

alex was done for once cole came home, and although you loved your billet brother like a real one, you knew alex needed to keep working. exams started in two days and he needed to get a good grade on a couple of them. abby walks in with cole though and you’re a little less annoyed with him considering you’d gotten close with her since he’d started dating her. 

she takes one look between you and alex and smirks but you shake your head immediately. she knew exactly how you felt about alex and she knew how close you two were. but she also knew he’d been with someone else and that had been hard for you to watch. 

“cole, i love you, but you cannot steal him away right now. we haven’t even gotten through one subject,” you grab his shoulders as he stops to talk to alex. 

“i’m not stealing him! i just wanted to come and say hi,” he scoffs like you hadn’t known exactly what he was going to do. 

abby steps in luckily and grabs cole’s hand, “lets just go hang out in your room. there’s this new series i wanted to watch on netflix.”

you swear she must be a saint because she always knows exactly what you need. cole throws a disgruntled “bye alex” over his shoulder that alex jokingly returns. 

once they leave you look over to find alex staring at you intently. you feel the blush creep up and a smile makes its way onto his face when he sees it. 

“what?” you whisper, looking down at the book, but not able to actually read a single word in it.   
“nothing. i was just thinking about something,” he says. 

you bite you lip, trying to think of a good comeback, “well don’t think too hard. you need to save some of that for studying.”

it gets a laugh out of him and that’s a sound you love to hear. you immediately look up at him and smile, any tension immediately diffused. 

you manage to cram in most of the studying by the time 9 o’clock rolls around and alex looks exhausted. he’s moved over to your side of the island and he’s got his head laid down, cheek pressed against the giant history textbook under it. 

his curls are a mess from him tugging on his hair all day and you reach over, running your hand through the dark strands to try and fix it a little. he closes his eyes and you let yourself look at him. you hadn’t always been able to do this. he’d been taken for such a big chunk of the year and it had hurt. you knew it wasn’t right and you should have been more supportive, but you couldn’t exactly turn your feelings off. 

“that feels so good,” he mumbles, his voice raspy from all the talking you’d both done over the long hours. 

you hum, tugging gently on the shorter hairs as you scratch his scalp a little. he lets out a tiny moan and his eyes fly open to meet yours that are just as wide. 

your hand stalls in its position in his hair and you’re both frozen for a second before he laughs and moves closer, tugging you out of your chair to be as close to him as possible. he wraps one arm around your waist as the other stretches across the counter for him to lay his head on, pressing his face into your stomach to hide his blush. he can’t be comfortable with the way he’s still bent over, but the feeling of him laughing into your shirt has your stomach doing flips faster than you can process. 

you switch your hand from his hair to his back, running your hand gently across his shoulders. he mumbles a ‘sorry’ into the fabric of your shirt, which is actually one of his that had gotten left after a sleepover one night. 

he seems to realize it as he pulls back just enough to be able to look up at you. his last name is lettered across the back of it and you weren’t sure when you started wearing it, but it was a favorite of yours. he’s got you stood between his legs and he’s closer than he’s been in so many months. he’s unguarded and acting like the alex that made you fall for him when they’d all moved to michigan. he looks at the shirt again and then back up to meet your eyes. 

“you keeping this? i don’t even remember leaving it here,” he questions, his fingers playing with the fabric at your hip, his arm still tight around your waist. 

“unless you want it back,” you tell him, but really hope he doesn’t. 

he shakes his head as much as he can, “no, it’s all yours now. looks good on you.”

you blush and nod, watching him look at the shirt again. you can’t help but frown, realizing you probably would never have him like this again. you’d never get to be quietly wrapped up in him in the comfort of your kitchen where you’d spent so much time with him and his friends. they had become your friends too. 

you hear a noise from the hall that alex doesn’t and you look up to see abby come around the corner. she takes one look at the two of you and grins, shooting you a quick thumbs up before returning immediately to where she’d just came from. you know you’ll get questioned later.   
it makes you shake your head and look back down at alex. he’s half asleep and you know he needs to get up because he’s got to be getting sore from the way he’s sitting. you run your finger back and forth along the bottom of his hairline at the back of his neck. 

“alex, you should sit up. you can sleep here if you need to,” you say, glancing at the clock to see it had somehow creeped past 10pm. 

he nods, but stays silent and you figure that means he’s staying. 

“come on, couch or spare room?” you ask, knowing the spare room was basically his bedroom anyways with all the nights he’d spent. 

he sits up finally, but keeps you locked between his knees. he’s just a bit taller than you on the bar stool, forcing you to look up at him. your heart starts to hammer and you think he must be able to hear it. 

“what about your room?” he whispers, like he’s testing out the waters. 

you bite your lip to keep your cool, not prepared for that question at all. you know you can’t respond and not sound like a fool so you nod quickly, taking his hand when he reaches for yours. 

as you lead him up the stairs to your room it feels surreal. he’d been over a million times. he’d shown up unexpectedly, slept in your bed before, and even been there when you’d wake up in the mornings. 

but this. this was different and you knew it. the circumstances weren’t the same anymore. things were different now and you thought you both must have felt that shift. 

as you get to your room you let his hand go, grabbing your sleep shorts. you slept in alex’s shirt most nights without thinking twice but now you felt self conscious. would he think it was weird? would he tell you not to do that? 

he doesn’t seem to pay any mind and makes his way over to the bed, losing his pants and socks on the way. his shirt comes off next and you’re immediately turning and heading to the bathroom to get ready before he can turn around and catch you staring. 

after brushing your teeth and changing you head back and find him on the side of the bed you didn’t typically sleep on and it makes your stomach flutter. what you would give to see him there more often. 

he looks up as you close your door and smiles, putting his phone down on the side table. he pats your side of the bed and pulls the covers back, which you climb under quickly. 

you lay on your back and look over at him, mirroring you. you both laugh, realizing how awkward it had gotten suddenly. 

“come here,” he laughs and rolls on his side, pulling you to meet his front. 

his fingers gently run up and down your side as he looks down at you. 

“nice shirt,” he smirks, causing you to blush and push your face into his chest. 

he wraps his arms tight around you and laughs into your hair. he presses a kiss to your forehead suddenly and it’s like all the air leaves your lungs suddenly. this wasn’t typical of alex at all. this was way more than he usually did. 

his fingers slowly make their way up the back of your shirt, inch by inch. goosebumps break across your skin as his makes contact and you hold your breath when you look up at him. he looks nervous too, which helps you feel a little better. his eyebrows are pulled together as he stops his hand on the small of your back.

“if you want me to stop, just say so,” he says quietly, leaning close enough that his nose bumps yours.

you shake your head, looking him in the eyes, “please don’t stop.”

he leans in to kiss you then and you know what’s going to happen. he starts it slow, letting his hands find all the spots of you he’s never touched before. he kisses you softly at first and takes his time getting to know you.

your shirt goes first and you immediately feel self conscious, but he’s there with reassuring kisses and soft whispers of how beautiful you look. the moon shines in your curtains brightly, letting you see him just enough as he continues his way down your body, working you up more than you even knew possible, and lighting you on fire with every press of his skin on yours.

he hears you start to get a little desperate, wanting more of him already. and he seems prepared, pulling exactly what he needs next out of the wallet in his pants. it makes you wonder for a second if this had been his plan all along, but you try not to think about it as he settles himself between your thighs. 

“alex, i’m nervous,” you tell him, biting your lip before he presses in.

he leans down to rest his forehead on yours, “i’ve got you, baby. you’re safe with me.”

it’s what you need to hear. you know he’ll take his time. he’ll make sure you’re comfortable. he pays attention and finds out quickly what makes you tick. he learns more about you than anyone ever has and uses it until you’re a mess below him. he kisses you hard to keep you from being too loud. cole’s room isn’t that far away, he has to remind you. it’s not your fault he seems to be doing everything just how you never knew you wanted it.

he holds you after though too, sweet kisses and more compliments that you can’t seem to get enough of. you both lay tangled up in each other as you catch your breath, fingers dancing along his chest as you listen to his heartbeat. you look up at him, taking it all in.

this was one of the last nights you’d get with him and you never expected it to go this way. but you also would be a liar if you said he wasn’t the one you wanted to have that first chance with. you go to say something to him, but yawn instead.

he smiles down at you, making your heart flutter, “you tired? that seemed to take a lot out of you.”

“i guess i am,” you murmur, trying to stay awake to have just a few more minutes with him. 

he has other ideas though as he leans down and kisses your forehead, pulling you tighter into his side.

“goodnight,” he says quietly. 

“night, alex,” you return. 

the sun is bright once you finally wake up the next morning and the sight next to you stops your heart. he’s gone and you see his clothes are gone from the floor. you’re about to panic, thinking the worst had happened.

then you see the sweatshirt at the end of your bed. he’d worn it over before studying and left it downstairs. he’d gone all the way down there just to bring it back to you. a small note was on it with his boyish writing scrawled across the blue paper.

‘sweatshirt to go with my shirt you like so much - a’

you feel like a giddy little kid as you grab the usa hoodie, pulling it over your head. it’s far too big on you, but you love it. though you still wonder why he’d ran off so quickly. that made your stomach uneasy to think about.

cole gives you quite the look when you run into him in the kitchen a few minutes later but he doesn’t say a word. he already knows your side of things, and you’re guessing he knows alex’s too. you just hope he didn’t hear anything the night before. things seem too good to be true and as the days and weeks passed by, you realized they were. that night would essentially be the last you’d see and hear from alex for months. 

late july/august  
—  
after the boys all left town your life seemed to get busy. what had previously been running around with them all the time turned into taking a summer class and hanging out with the girls again. 

how the months passed as quickly as they did still shocks you and the dates almost slip past before you can realize it. but the boy in the kitchen when you get home from the beach jogs your memory of the world junior showcase and you squeal before running over to him. 

“cole! i missed you!” you yell, causing him to laugh and pull you into him. 

“i missed you, too,” he responds, lifting you off the ground like he always did. 

he wasn’t bigger than most people so when he got the chance to show it, well, he did. you had no issue humoring him with it. 

“are you coming to the games this week?” he asks, a smile lighting up his face. 

you’d totally forgotten and hadn’t even got tickets. you shrug, explaining it to him, but he reassures you that he can work something out. 

then you realize what else the tournament means. if he was back, alex was back. the same boy who somehow still had your heart even though you hadn’t talked since he left the morning after spending the night with you. a couple snapchats had been exchanged, but they were generic. he could have sent them to five people at once for all you knew. the thought makes your heart drop and cole can tell right away. 

“you don’t have to see him if you don’t want to,” he says, his arm, wrapping around your shoulders as you lean into his side. 

“i just don’t get it, cole. he left so abruptly and never said a word after. he knew that was my first time and then he just disappeared,” you say quietly, trying to will the tears away that always seemed to come up at the thought of that night. 

you thought it had been the moment. that night seemed like it was finally the turning point for you and alex. boy were you wrong though and that felt like a slap to the face. you got your hopes up for no reason. 

“i know. i could murder him for it, trust me. you deserve so much more than that,” cole reassures you. 

you smile a little at him but you both know better. you know you’ll have to see alex and talk to him, have to either face what happened or ignore that night like it meant nothing. but it meant so much to you and you weren’t sure you could forget it. you weren’t sure how he’d ignored it this long either.

“did you tell him where you’re going yet?” he asks, though he’s pretty sure he already knows your answer.   
“no. i don’t know if i can even see him, let alone tell him that.”

you promised cole you’d go to the games, but you can only force yourself into being at the final one. you’d managed to avoid alex for the entire week he was in town, and he hadn’t reached out to you either. you both knew you were dodging each other, but you weren’t sure you could take seeing him again.

but fate wouldn’t have that, as you waited in the lobby of usa arena after, talking to johnny about him going to michigan in the fall. 

“does alex know about wisconsin?” he asks innocently. 

johnny was truly one of your favorite of the boys, but he was completely out of the loop on things. 

“no, he doesn’t,” you answer honestly.

owen knew. cole knew. ryder even knew. but you couldn’t bring yourself to tell alex yet. you hadn’t picked wisconsin because of him at all. you’d always wanted to attend uw, well before he came along. your dad lived in madison and your cousin had played hockey for the badgers a few years ago. it was only right that you’d go there, and then these boys had been dumped in your life and also happened to be going there.

a few minutes later you hear someone clear their throat behind you and johnny smiles as he looks over your shoulder. you turn around to see exactly who you suspected, but weren’t ready to be near again. alex has his eyebrows raised with a tiny smile on his face, his blue usa polo looking a size too large on him. your breath catches in your throat as all the feelings you’d pushed down come back so fast your eyes tear up. his dimples show as he smiles, reminding you how easily he makes you turn into a puddle around him.

“hi” you say, trying to smile at him, but you just keep replaying that night in your head.

all the things he’d done and said, only to be met with an empty bed that morning. johnny doesn’t know what happened and you’re starting to panic. you glance to your left and luckily catch cole’s attention. his eyes go wide as he sees who’s standing in front of you and he hustles over, his wisconsin equipment bag forgotten on the ground behind him.

“you guys need to go talk on your own,” cole says, his tone more serious than you’d ever heard from him.

trevor and spencer had managed to wander over around the time alex had and everyone except you, cole, and alex are exchanging confused glances. alex realizes then that you’re close to a breakdown from having everyone’s eyes on you and he nods, quickly ushering you out of the arena and around a corner. you lean back against the wall and stare up at the sky, trying so hard not to cry in front of him. 

“i’m sorry,” he starts and you whip your head down to look at him so quick he takes a half step back.

“you’re sorry, alex? is that really all you have to say to me right now?” you spit out, feeling hot all over from being so mad at him, “do you have any idea how used i felt when you left without a word until right this minute?”

he runs his hand through his hair, “yes, i’m sorry. i know it won’t fix everything, but i am and you deserve a real apology. i fucked up so bad and the longer i went without saying something the more i got scared to try and come back into your life.”

you know he’s being sincere and that’s what gets you the most. you’d built up this idea in your head that he was just some shitty dude who had picked you for his one night stand, but he hadn’t. he did care, and he was here to admit he’d done wrong. you’re still nervous though and you’re not sure you want to let him get close again.

“you fucked me up, alex. you knew that was my first everything. first time, first kiss, and you couldn’t even bother to call or text me after? who does that?” you frown, crossing your arms. 

you know you won’t be able to hold off much longer with the tears and they’re threatening so hard to spill in that moment. and when he meets your eyes finally, they do. the sight makes him step forward, putting his hands on your cheeks.

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry,” he repeats, wiping at the tears as they fall, trying to fix everything he can while you’re still in front of him.

you hold onto his arms, closing your eyes as he crowds your space like he had a couple months ago. the worst part is you know you’ll forgive him. you know you’ll always care about him and you know you can’t stand to see him upset. 

“alex, i can’t do this again,” you admit to him.

he tries to smile at you, but you can see he’s tearing up too, though he can hold his back much better than you. he nods and kisses your forehead gently, making a whole new wave of tears fall down your cheeks. he feels them on his thumbs and pulls back. 

“i’m sorry for making you cry so much. you deserve so much better than this,” he says softly. 

you nod, knowing you did, but not wanting anyone else but him. you wanted him back so badly. he was your best friend, your rock. but you knew you’d both stepped over a line that night when you slept together. things would never be the same after that and here you were staring that reality in the face.

“i should go,” you lean up to kiss his cheek, but he stops you.

“just one more?” he asks, and you know. you know exactly what he means.

you grab his shirt gently and pull him close, “yeah one more.”

he kisses you hard, wrapping his arms around your waist, and pulling you as close as he can get you. your fingers get lost in his curls, tugging a little when he bites down on your bottom lip. you pull away, trying to catch your breath as he does the same.

you know you have to let him go then. you have to walk away knowing he’s still got your heart and has no idea where you’re going to college still. so you step away, letting your hands slowly drop from him and you see he’s still got tears threatening to spill. but it’s time to walk away from him and figure things out.

eventually he’ll learn where you’ll be in the fall, and if he asks for you back, you know you’ll go right back to him. 

november  
—

you’re not completely sure why you were waiting in the hallway of the kohl center after the game, but you were. you wanted to see him again and you knew you could only hide for so long before you ran into him. you’d rather do it on your terms, when you were prepared for it. 

things hadn’t gone smooth the last time you’d seen alex and when you saw him across the quad on bascom hill a month ago you knew things were getting too close for comfort. so you reached out to cole to see what he could do. 

that’s how you ended up at your first badgers game of the season just days after your birthday, waiting to see the boy you’d left in front of an arena once already this year. cole had told you where to wait and you’d even seen him walk out. alex was apparently quite slow still when it came to getting done after games, so you waited impatiently as everyone else filed out first.

and then you see him coming down the hall. black suit, red tie, and his hair just a bit too long. he’d probably get it cut soon, you thought. or at least the alex you’d known would have. he’s on his phone so he doesn’t see you at first. the usa crest of the sweatshirt you’re wearing suddenly feels heavy and you wonder if it was wrong to wear something of his to a game. like you were his or something.  
when he looks up though he stops in his tracks. it’s like he’s seen a ghost and he can’t tell if you’re real or not. then he’s smiling, dimples on full display as he walks over to you quickly, stuffing his phone in his pocket. 

he doesn’t even hesitate as he scoops you up in a hug, lifting you off the ground far enough that you lock your legs around his waist. you laugh, holding onto him just as tight.

“hi alex,” you giggle, pressing a kiss to the side of his head as he buries his face in your neck.

he’s leaving little kisses on every inch of skin he can seem to get to and it starts to tickle. you get him to set you down on the ground, but he refuses to let go of you completely. he’s still got his arms around your waist and he’s beaming down at you.

“what are you doing here?” he asks, still unable to believe that you’re right in front of him.

“alex, uhm, i go here,” you finally admit, watching his jaw drop.

“you.. you go where? you go to wisconsin?” he’s careful with his words, like they can’t be the right ones he’s saying.

you nod, hoping he didn’t hate you for waiting to tell him. instead he’s leaning down and kissing you suddenly, taking your breath away before you can even process what’s going on.

“i’m sorry i didn’t tell you earlier. i was going to tell you that morning you left, but…” you shrug, and he’s shaking his head.

“don’t you dare apologize for that. you know that morning was my fault. wait, are you the study date cole runs off to every wednesday night then?” he’s smiling again and you can’t help but stare at the sight.

“yeah, he comes over to my building and i help him with economics.” 

alex laughs then, shaking his head. you can’t believe how well he’s taking this. you were convinced he’d be pissed that you hadn’t told him and you were showing up unannounced in his life. it seemed to be the opposite of that though.

“god, i missed you so much. i know i didn’t have any right to, but i really did,” he says, pulling you close again. 

he doesn’t kiss you, but he’s not leaving much space either. it’s like he thinks you’ll walk away from him again, but you had no plans to do that.

“i missed you, too. i just needed to get my head right after everything that happened with us.”

he nods, “that’s okay. you can take all the time you need in life, but please don’t leave. i don’t think i can handle losing you.”

“i think about that night all the time, alex. i can’t keep it from replaying. it’s like it’s stuck on a loop,” you admit.

“i do the same thing. the guys rip on me for not talking to girls on campus, but every time i try i just remember you and i can’t.”

you bite your lip and fix one of his curls that had fallen forward a bit, “you ask me to stay and i’m all yours. i don’t want to keep walking away when i know i’m leaving my heart with you.”

“please stay, baby. i promise you’re safe with me this time. just be mine,” he tells you, sounding sincere and honest. 

you nod your head, “i’m right here, alex. plus i think you might owe me a new morning after.”

he smirks down at you and nods, “oh we can redo that. i think i owe you at least that.”

you laugh and lean up to kiss him, letting him pull you out of the arena, but for a much better reason this time around.


End file.
